The War Against Nature

“Unicorns? Unicorns? Tra-la-la?”

PETERMBALL Works in Progress , , ,

This phrase has been running through my head for two days now, often borrowing David Bowie’s voice and intonation from a bit in Labyrinth where he says something very similar. It just sits there, repeated over and over, refusing to go away. This doesn’t become dangerous until I start listening to Suffragette City and pondering what happens when I mash Unicorns and the Goblin King Jared and space stations named after David Bowie songs together. It may be congealing into a story.

I thought I was done with unicorns. Alas, I am not that lucky. People are going to start thinking that me and unicorns have a thing (I swear to god we’re just good friends).

Wait, ‘scuse me a sec, I have to go chase a chicken out of the kitchen.

Peter disappears to chase a chicken away from the cat food. Chicken leaves kitchen with cries of Attica! Attica! The chickens really do get a raw deal, what with The Cat hunting them for food and my continued scrambling of their unfertilized embryos as a source of sustenance.

Right, where was I? Oh, yes, unicorns and David Bowie.

If you need me, I’ll be over in the corner with Fritz the laptop, fighting off The Cat as we try to figure out a way to make this work.

Adventures in Cat-Sitting, a Play in One Act

PETERMBALL Madcap Adventures and Distracting Hijinx , , , ,

Peter sits at the table, trying to work. He is grumpy and irritable after being woken two hours early by a deranged cat yowling at the bedroom door. The Cat jumps on the table and sits on the computer keyboard. Peter moves The Cat.

Peter: What do you want, cat?
The Cat: Feed me, mortal.
Peter: Dude, I fed you ten minutes ago. You ate. There is no more food.
The Cat: FEED ME.
Peter: No.
The Cat: I stare at you.
Peter: Totally cool with me.
The Cat:I stare with mighty stareness.
Peter: Huh.
The Cat: FEEL THE WEIGHT OF MY DISPLEASURE
Peter: Got it. Trying to work.
The Cat: I savage your toe.
Peter: Fuck. Shit. Rack off, I was using that.
The Cat: FEEEEEEEED ME!
Peter: TRYING TO WORK.
The Cat: Holy shit, there’s birds in the yard.
Peter:They’re chickens. They’re there every day. You know this, because I pull you away from their pen every morning.
The Cat: I savage the chickens for food!
Peter: You’re starting to piss me off.

The other cat, hearing Peter move through the kitchen to rescue the chickens, emerges from his hiding place.

Other Cat: Food?
Peter: No food.
Other Cat: Cool.

Other Cat disappears in a method that’s mysterious and probably involves the city of Ulthar beyond the river Skai. Outside there are chicken’s panicking.

The Cat: FOOOOOOOD!

Peter goes outside and saves the chickens.

The Cat:Seriously d00d, feeed me.
Peter: No.
The Cat: I bring you offerings.
Peter: Dude, I have no use for crickets.
The Cat: Then I shall eat the offering and bring you another.
Peter:Whatev’s man, just do it outside.
The Cat: Fuck that, d00d, you don’t learn the lesson about feeding me if I don’t eat the cricket on your feet.

Peter removes the cat. Peter removes the half-eaten cricket.

The Cat: Offering!
Peter: I don’t want it.
The Cat:It isn’t for you. This offering goes to mighty Cthulhu, that he may rise from sunken R’yleh and lay waste to the world. Then I shall eat your eyelids, for I hunger and they look tasty.
Peter:Whatev’s.

Peter removes the cat. Peter removes the half-eaten cricket.

The Cat: Doom.
Peter: TRYING TO WORK!
The Cat: Ai! Ai! F’tagn!

Peter removes the cat. Peter confiscates The Cat’s copy of the Necronomicon as a safety precaution.

The Cat: Feed me.

Peter removes the cat. Peter barricades the cat door with a waste-paper basket.

The Cat: Ouch.
Peter:Opposable thumbs, dude. Don’t mess with the guy who has ’em.
The Cat: No fair!
Peter: You can come back in without offerings if you fuck off and let me get some work done.
The Cat: You will pay, mortal. Oh yes, you will pay…with your eyelids.

The Cat dissappears to plot revenge. Peter goes to work in peace.

Other Cat: Food?
Peter: Working.
Other Cat: Cool.
Peter: I reward your understanding with belly scratches.