Journal

I am writing a two hour workshop today. I was not meant to be writing it, exactly, but things fell out the way they fell out and now that is my Wednesday and I am frustrated as hell. I have Pulp’s This Is Hardcore on the stereo, ’cause it matches my mood. Cycling back and forth between The Fear and the title track. I wasn’t really a fan of Pulp, before this album came out in 1998, but I listened to this one over and over and over. Horns, piano, anguish. Brilliant.

Pulp helps, I think, but I could be wrong. I’ve written this blog post a half-dozen times already, trying to find the angle or the spin that makes it something that I can post. Something that isn’t the equivalent of me showing up here and saying, effectively: today is hard. I am fretting about things. I have The Fear. I don’t want to be writing workshops today. I want to disappear into fiction, mess around with things that let me pretend that today is not quite so hard. I want to delete everything and refuse to engage with anyone.

But, honestly, there is no way around that.

Today is hard. I have The Fear. And the work needs to be done regardless.

I

A photo posted by Peter M Ball (@petermball) on Apr 16, 2016 at 4:15pm PDT

It may be time to move my writing process off the computer again. I went digital again a few months back, when I was working on a redraft, and I found myself lured back into the rhythm of the keyboard and the quick accumulation of words that can be counted. And then, gradually, as things got busy and allocating my time got more complex, I started to loathe the idea of opening the laptop and the writing faded into the background.

On the other hand, I also need to do dishes. And change the sheets on my bed. And wander, blinking, into the sunlight without resenting the fact that I have to go to work.

These are not signs of not writing, they are signs of higher-than-usual stress levels. I let the little things go when I have no power to change to big things that need changing. I start questioning long-term plans, and making crazy alternatives. I stop reading new books and fall back on narrative comfort food. All my energy goes into the day-job, ’cause it requires it, and there’s not much left when I emerge.

I start running on automatic, instead of doing things in a considered and sensible way, and I dislike that feeling.

And so I find myself caught between two maxims: when in doubt, go back to the notebook, and don’t make big changes to your life when you are stressed off your dial.

This week, I’m focusing on mornings. Get up, drink coffee, eat porridge, write a thing. Doesn’t need to be big, just needs to be written. Reclaim the space and the mindset. Do something positive before the stress hammers into the rest of the day and the crazy, impractical plans start forming.

A photo posted by Peter M Ball (@petermball) on May 17, 2016 at 12:15am PDT

I am doing things on top of my usual work schedule this week. For instance, tomorrow night I am off to Logan Library to do a seminar about some of the myths about getting published.

On Wednesday, I will be giving up my weekly write club in the name of working on workshop content for next week.

Then, on Thursday, I will be back at QWC talking about Hard and Soft Launches as part of the Business of Books series. Spots are still available, if you’re inclined to come hear me talk about such things.

By Friday, I will be disappearing into a bunker and trying very hard not to hate the world. ‘Cause I love doing this stuff, but holy shit-balls there has been a lot of it in recent weeks, there is only so much time I can spend around people before my urge to unleash the winged monkeys of death becomes overwhelming.

A photo posted by Peter M Ball (@petermball) on May 19, 2016 at 6:17pm PDT